5 Tips to Engage Conflict in Healthy Ways
Whether it’s with a romantic partner, a coworker, or a family member, you’re eventually going to deal with a conflict. It’s an inherent part of any relationship. Most people don’t know how to handle arguments appropriately. It’s just not something we’re taught! When you learn how to approach conflict in a healthy way, your relationships are more likely to nurture you and flourish. Here are five tips for engaging conflict—the healthy way.
1. Look for a Solution First
The best arguments are ones where both people view the conflict as an opportunity for growth. This is less likely to happen when you engage in conflict when you’re heated and in less control of your emotions. Instead, consider blocking out time to talk things through with your partner. Since you know the issue at hand, start the conversation by asking one another what you’d like to see happen going forward. You can even write down a list of possible solutions and discuss them one by one. It might seem silly, but “planning” your conflicts in this way will keep you on topic and focused on a solution.
2. Be Specific About Your Feelings
It’s easy to get caught up in blaming the other person or rattle off all the times someone disappointed you. But that kind of language only puts people on the defensive. Instead, focus on articulating your own feelings. Use I-centered language: “I feel unimportant when chores go ignored.” You’ll avoid being accusatory and making sweeping statements that the other person can counter, which could lead to a vicious argumentative cycle.
3. Practice Active Listening
Arguing well isn’t just learning how to say your piece. We tend to frame unhealthy conflicts as having winners and losers, so in this mindset, you just want to be “right.” Rethink this—instead, conflicts should be about understanding and being understood. And active listening isn’t just sitting and letting them speak. Really listen to your partner. Pay attention to their nonverbal cues, such as whether they’re physically withdrawing. Give them attentive body language, ask follow-up questions, and rephrase their main points back to them. When you get out of the competitive mode, you’re both on more equal footing and are ready to be heard.
4. Stick to Your Boundaries
You and your partner each have boundaries. They’re crucial to any relationship. One person might not want to have a serious discussion just after work or before an event. Another might ask for personal space before or after arguing. It’s best to lay out your boundaries aloud ahead of time so you can each respect one another’s. Make a plan for de-escalating your conflict. If things get too emotionally intense, take a five-minute walk or table the discussion for the next day. You should feel empowered to keep firm on your boundaries rather than feeling coerced into ignoring or eliminating them. Above all, respecting boundaries means you’re respecting the other person.
5. Bring in a Mediator
If you and your partner (or friend or family member) keep butting heads and communication tactics aren’t breaking through the anger, consider going to therapy. A licensed counselor can guide you through conflict resolution within the safe space of a therapy session. Sometimes it’s easier to argue in a healthy way on neutral ground—a therapist’s office, for example. You’ll learn more effective ways of communicating your thoughts and feelings while listening and respecting your partner. Even if you seek therapy for one particular issue, what you learn will also help you with future conflicts.
To find out more about how therapy can help you learn to manage conflicts, please reach out to us.
