Setting Realistic Expectations in Your Relationship
Everyone has standards. But for some people, these preconceived notions about how their relationship should work become detrimental. Every partnership is different, so you should consider how to adjust your expectations for your current partner. For example, in the past, perhaps you’ve expected your partner to spend most of their free time with you. But your new partner shares custody with their ex, and they travel a lot for work. Is it fair to expect that same level of attention? When you learn to adjust your expectations, their roles take on a more realistic shape. If you and your partner talk about setting healthy expectations, you’re prioritizing long-term success.
Unreasonable expectations
While not all preconceived ideas about a relationship are bad, if you’re only focused on how your relationship “should” be, you’ll never be happy. Unrealistic expectations in relationships can take many forms and can include:
- Forcing your partner to change who they are.
- Deciding you know what’s best for your partner.
- Demanding your partner always be available to you.
- Expecting your partner to always put you above themselves.
- Holding your relationship up to an imaginary ideal.
- Only allowing constant perfection from your partner.
To steer away from these unreasonable expectations, try these tips.
1. Focus on what’s going right
When you value your partner’s positives, you’re reframing your mindset about your relationship. Instead of them not measuring up, you’re delighting in what they add to your life. Try to shift your mindset to one of joy, positivity, and compassion. Constant negativity will only show you how your relationship isn’t measuring up to some imaginary ideal.
2. Show appreciation
Your partner brings something to your life that you cannot bring by yourself. In healthy relationships, couples show one another appreciation for what their partners do. Try to get your partner’s favorite treat at the grocery store, or tell them how much you love the way they make space for you. These little shows of appreciation take time away from negativity and nitpicking.
3. Make time for each other
It’s healthy to schedule dates. We often get so caught up in the hubbub of everyday life that we forget how important it is to have one-on-one time with our partners. If you’ve been bickering, take a step back and think about the last time you went on a date. When you make time for intimacy, you’re giving yourself permission to be appreciative and devote yourself fully to your partner. You’ll lose sight of any unrealistic expectations plaguing your relationship.
4. Argue better
Relationships often end because of nasty arguments. Sometimes this happens because one person has expectations they can’t articulate to the other, leading to miscommunications and missed opportunities. Reframe how you think about conflict. Prioritize I-statements, remove insults, and take breaks when you both need to cool down. You can also come to any anticipated conflict with a list of goals in mind instead of letting your emotions dictate the argument.
5. Respect each other’s privacy
Everybody deserves time to themselves. To expect your partner to be around you 24/7 and allow you access to all their devices is crossing important boundaries. When you give one another the space to cultivate your own identities, you’re better able to bring your best to the relationship. Without some access to your own privacy, you’re more likely to develop a toxic dynamic such as codependency.
Still having trouble communicating?
Consider talking to a couples therapist if you and your partner can’t match and manage your expectations. Together you can learn to adjust your demands, communicate more effectively, and cultivate your own sense of identity.
To find out more about how therapy can help you set realistic expectations, please reach out to us.
